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Hello, I'm UltimateCheetah, and this is my journal. I like to post sporkings about bad literature, and observations about writing. I also simply like to post random things at will.
Some facts about me:
1. I am not actually a cheetah. (Though if I were, that would probably on the news.)
2. I like dogs and cats. (Pets in general are great.)
3. I love writing. (I've written many short stories, though my earliest ones will never see the light of day.)
4. I play the piano.
Welcome back. Today, we end the first section of the book.
Chapter 15 starts with Wade logging in and reappearing on Ludus, with a bunch of Sixer gunships scanning the planet. So Wade letting a bunch of people die in the last chapter was pointless, then. Glad that’s all cleared up.
( Read more... )[UltimateCheetah…logged in]
[Initiate Sporking]
When we left off, Wade was being an insufferable douchebag, and was on the cusp of making a decision that would cement him as too stupid to live. Let’s see how that’s turning out, shall we?
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[Ultimate Cheetah: Logged in]
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[Start Sporking…. Chapter 9]
Sorry it’s been so long since I updated this. I’ve been super busy and reading this book just murders my soul. The first four parts aren’t that long, so if you haven’t read them, you probably should do so before starting this one to avoid confusion.
( Read more... )
Well, here we are with the second part of the spork. The prologue, which I sporked first, was basically an infodump about the setting. Here, we actually get to see the protagonist doing things.
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So, I had heard of Ready Player One (by Ernest Cline) because of the movie, but I have never read it- until now. Well, I’ve only read the prologue, but it is definitely spork-worthy. So, without further ado, let’s dive in.
( Read more... )
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Self Critique: The Quest for the Gem
Dec. 23rd, 2020 07:54 pmSometimes I like to go back and see what I wrote when I was younger. To see what younger me was thinking about. Younger me was a terrible writer. Don't get me wrong, she had good ideas, but younger me didn't have the skills to execute them. However, these pieces don't have to go to waste. They can be used again. Therefore, I present.... Self Critique!
The great battle shook the very heavens, causing the sky to scream in turmoil!
Okay, we have a strong opening, but there's a couple things wrong here. First of all, that exclamation point shouldn't be here. Exclamation points should never be in narration. They should only be in thoughts, internal monologue, or dialogue. Also, the "scream in turmoil" line is too vague. Is it thunder, wind, or a storm?
On top of a jagged mountain, five figures fought. They looked fearsome as they fought, jets of light coming out of their wands.
The jagged mountain was good imagery. However, the repetition of "fought" sounds weird, and there's telling and not showing. Saying that something's fearsome doesn't make it fearsome in the mind of the reader. Also, while there is some atmosphere here, we need more of it.
“You will never stop me!”, yelled the one in a midnight black robe. A figure in light blue answered back, “We will prevail. You must answer for your crimes, Dark Witch!” “Never!”, the Dark Witch screamed, as she blasted her wand right at a person with cream colored robes.
Sigh. The cliche. . . it kills me. Why why WHY are they exchanging banter during a fight scene? Younger Cheetah definitely thought this was epic as hell. And of course the evil one wears black. Young Cheetah's paragraph formatting is completely nonexistent, but I can excuse this since this is a first draft. (Yes, I remember writing this.) Also, "Dark Witch" is a terrible title. Dark shouldn't always equal evil. Young Cheetah seemed to be allergic to the word "said" as well.
He cried out, clutched his chest, and fell. Four other comrades already lay on the ground beside him.
This isn't too bad. Him clutching his chest is a little much, but the four other lying dead is a nice touch. However, the word "comrade" makes me think of 1984.
“Dorlak!” screamed the one in the light blue. “Ha ha!” cackled the Dark Witch. “Behold your fate, Elvira!” Thunder boomed as if verifying her words. “He will be avenged!”, yelled Elvira, blasting at her with his wand. Two other people blasted at her also, but the Dark Witch blocked his blast and dodged the other ones.
More cliched dialogue ahoy! The only good thing I can say about this part is the thunder. The rest... well, just look at the fighting. It's so emotionlessly relayed at us. There needs to be less generalizations and more specifics.
She then unleashed a blast so powerful that the remaining wizards were blasted off their feet and rolled almost to the edge.
What kind of blast? Dammit Young Me, why do you have to be so vague? Also, what edge? I thought this was a peak. One line could've made this clear.
Their wands were not so lucky. They fell off the edge and right in the yawning depths below.
One small creative choice here, I don't like how wizards have to have their wands to do things. It may allow conflict, but if the protagonist needs to learn magic quickly, it hinders the plot.
The Dark Witch walked toward her defeated enemies. “You are not the first ones to oppose me, but you will be the last, especially you,” she said, looking at a redheaded wizard apprentice.
Okay. This is a WHY ISN'T SHE KILLING THEM moment, and it makes your scene seem really really contrived. I like that line of dialogue, but it would be better if there were a period after "last", and she said the second part after looking at the apprentice. It sounds like there's history with the apprentice, which would make a good hook.
Let's fix this:
The climatic battle shook the land, while a raging storm plunged everything into darkness. On a jagged peak, four people advanced on a lone witch, flashes of lightning illuminating them. A blue-robed man raised his arms and harnessed the lightning, while a red-haired girl conjured a whip of fire. Its glow lit her narrowed eyes and gritted teeth. The lightning blasted toward the witch, who blocked it with a wall of earth. The fire whip cut through the rocks and flew toward the witch's face. She dropped to the ground and extinguished it with a flash of light. The witch jumped up and tossed an avalanche of boulders toward them. Three of the combatants dodged. The fourth wasn't so lucky.
The rocks smashed him into the earth. The blue-robed one reached out a hand and screamed. He shot a geyser of water toward the witch, water that melted the earth in touched. The other ones joined, their earth and light ready to kill. The witch moved the earth and jumped into the shallow hole. The lethal bursts barely skimmed her back. She clenched her fists, and closed her eyes. For a moment, all was still.
Then the mountain erupted. The three wizards were thrown back to a sheer precipice. One man fell over the edge.
The redheaded girl grabbed at the rocks as she rolled toward the drop. The ground and the sky blurred together. Her heart pounded in her chest. She couldn't hold on, couldn't stop herself. Then the ground was gone. Energy buzzed through her limbs. Mira reached forward—
And grabbed the rocks. She slammed into the cliff wall, the energy draining from her body. Her limbs felt as heavy as rocks. She pulled herself halfway up, muscles groaning.
Shoes clattered on the stone. The girl looked up and saw the witch standing over her. She went cold and froze, as if she was a mouse confronted by a rattlesnake. The witch towered over her and looked into her eyes. "You made a mistake."
"Please," Mira begged. She searched the witch's grey eyes for sympathy, but there was none there. What they once had was gone. She saw a man's body lying facedown up ahead. No one else was to be seen. Mira would have no help. But she couldn't die. Not like this.
So, I lengthened the battle, got rid of most of the dialogue, and made the prose more fast paced. I also described specific attacks instead of "blasts". Lastly, I transitioned into the redheaded girl's POV and gave her a name, setting the stage for the confrontation between her and the witch. I hinted at the history between them as well.
